Well, today I worked all day and *yack* *yack* *yack*

(((Insert Random Fact About My Boring Life Here)))

Im so sick of this rotten tomato that is stuck in my head. I want to get it out! It seems as if I need someone to reach in there to get it out for me, because my arm keeps getting stuck in my ear and then i get sucked into my head. Stupid tomato!

I could go off on some random thought I have been contimplating all day and inform you about the progress of my life, but I dont want to. Im just going to ramble on and on and on and on about everything, not bringing any sort of worthy idea to surface. Because that would only result in chaos. What is an idea anyway? Where do they come from? Why do we have them? And what is that GOD AWEFUL SMELL!? OH JESUS!! Is that helicopers I hear hovering above my apartment? Is that A BOMB!?...Oh wait, Its that tomato again nevermind.

I have gotten another good sign about moving to Chicago. One of my favorite bands Saves The Day will be playing there a month and a half after we move! I cannot belive it. They will be playing at The Congress on October 26th 2002! This is just damn good...damn damn DAMN good. Im going to go scream out my window now.

Jesus! Now that I have a job its hard to keep up with this thing. My thoughts and ideas keep piling up. It’s quite difficult to get them all up here.

I withdrew from the University of Utah today. No more school for another 4 1/2 months. Now all there is left to do is spread the word and pack. Spencer didn’t call me until about 11pm today, so I didn’t get a chance to talk to him. I guess I will have to do that tomorrow over coffee.

I got a B- in my Spanish class! I couldn’t believe it. I am still shitting my pants with disbelief. My new GPA is going to look a lot better for the folk’ back east.

Getting a B- in Spanish just added to my ball of good news and good fortune, but I still can’t help feel empty. When everything is going my way, I still feel this hallow void inside myself, witch leads me to turn my head away from this place a little more (as if it hasn’t been turn in the complete opposite direction already) I wonder if I would of ever came to the realization of the narrow grave I once called "my life in Utah" without the help of Jeannette and the echoes of my lost dreams. I look at where I once was laying and can only see a short path to a long empty road of blindness and vast array of narrow trails. I have my dreams back. I feel the energy pulling me towards a beautiful future and all I can do here is *sigh*..And wait.

Speaking of waiting. I sent an apology to my friend Krista. When She lived in Utah about a year and some months ago, she let me and Spencer use her car all we wanted if we put gas in it and changed the oil. We did all of this without question, but like cars will do, it broke down. The breaks went out. And me being the immature college student as I was at the time, got a big head and made here do all the work. She found a shot to take it too, towed it there, and paid for it. Then she asked me for cash. I refused for some time weather it was the lack of finances that was making me a brat or I was being a child and dealing with my personal problems with her and her boyfriend by refusing to pay. But after months of drama and 2 really angry people calling me all the time, I paid her my share and have hardly spoken to her since.

Now as most people do, I grew up in the past year and realized how convenient it is to have a car and how expensive it can be to fix it. And looking back at my attitude towards her and that particular problem I can’t help but feel a deep and regretful feeling in my heart.

I sent Krista an email (as I mentioned above) explaining my position, but mostly apologizing. She hasn’t sent one back. It’s been about 2 weeks now. My friend Alex said that Krista got the email but was not going to reply back. Its sad to think that I have hurt someone that bad that they do not want to have any contact with me what so ever, but it is more painful not being able to do anything about it. She is a good person and has never done me wrong. I guess all I can do now is gain the wisdom that this experience gave me and hope the harm I caused was minimal.

Almost everything is under control about the move. Spencer gets home today, and he is the first person that I want to know here in Salt Lake City. I want to thell him before anyone else, then once that is out of the way, it will be off my sholders and I can focus more on other things. I just hope when it is out in the complete open that my job doesnt find out. I just have to keep it a "secret" for another 3 weeks. Then i will be able to give them my 2 weeks notice. I feel kind of bad,I mean I will have only worked there 3 weeks and I will be giving them notice. I guess that's all I can do at this point. Working is a high priority at this point in time and I cannot affort not to work.

Im working with some openminded people. This guy Brian who I worked with last night was sparking lots of different subjects of debate. Its nice to be around a person who shows some heart and patience with me as i work through my anxiety of meeting new people. I think he understands that I need some space before I'll open up to a person.

Meeting new people is hard sometimes. Especially when you know exactlly what they are going to say.
What fun is it to get the answers from people that you were expecting? Thats not orriginal. And what does it say about a person?

*If I ask this person how they are doing, there going to say "good, and you?" then im going to say "fine" and so on and so on.*

Now that isnt any fun at all. Why ask a question that I already know the answer too.

***got inturputed, more to come***

Things seem to be coming together with the move to Chicago. I have talked to my parents, Jeannette has talked to her parents, we have (for the most part) withdrawn ourselves from the University of Utah, I’m almost done with my applications to the Illinois colleges and I have gotten a job. Everything is falling into place. Things are turning around for me and I’m fixing the problems that once seemed hopeless. I feel good with the solutions so far and so excited about the uncertainty of the future. I sit back look around at my reconstructed life and think wow; things are really getting better when life throws another problem in my face.

Now that I have fixed my problem here, and am moving and solved numerous personal problems...I am faced with financial problems (as if I never was before) but now its more clear because the other problems are out of the way. I see this one and can focus on it because it is happening now. This kind of thing used to make me go 4 shades of red. But I have realized that in life you cant escape problems. They are always going to be there so a person might as well fix them when they come around instead of getting all worked up about them. I’m taking what I used to see as a weight on my shoulders and changing it into an adventure. I know that it wont always be like this, and most likely I will come to problems in my life that I can stair down like this, but I know that each time I fix something in my life I grow a little bit stronger inside myself. I'll be ready for anything.

I am moving to Chicago with Jeannette. We are going to stay at our parents’ house until we can find a place in the city. I am taking the fall semester off of school and will start back up in the spring at the University of Illinois at Chicago. And I am doing all this minus the financial support of my parents that I have now.

I went camping in Heber City, Utah with them these past few days. As I said before, I told my mom about the big changes I had planned and she called me back and basically told me that I should come back with them and take a semester off so I can find a decent place to live, only to call me the very next day and tell me something completely different. She said she hadn’t thought over the idea very well and she talked it over with Jerry and they both decided that it wasn’t a good idea. She also said that Jerry got really "angry" and shot her down with tons of questions and then said "You might as well tell him now, we are only paying for 4 years of his college" She told me all of this before they got to Utah.

When they got to Utah I talked it over with my mom. She said that she was afraid of the plan but was behind me 100%. She understood why I wanted to and thought that there is no sense in staying somewhere that makes me unhappy.

After I talked to my mom and got her opinion, I then talked to my stepdad. He said that he didn’t think it was a good idea and had all of these negative things to say about the idea. But with every problem he brought to the table, I had the solution already in my hands. He was surprised that I had actually thought it out and kind of steped back when he realized that I am doing this on my own with or without his help.

Its a good feeling to be financially independent with this new found independence I can do whatever I want to do. I can go anywhere I want to go. Buy anything I want to buy. I have no one calling the shots but myself. Oh the possibilities. Where will this new path I have chosen take me? Chicago is a clean sheet of paper. I just hope I can find my pencil.

This makes me all sorts of nervous, but excited as well. I’m leaving everything I have created here. And now that I’m moving forward I’m seeing all that is Utah and I notice that there isn’t much but broken dreams and a candle that has burned to the ground.

I didnt sleep last night. I was too nervous about my final exam in Spanish and my parents comming today. I studied for quite some time last night and a bit this morning. I felt that I got a passing grade on the exam even though I didnt know any of the vocabulary. Im just relieved to be done with Spanish FOREVER!! I WILL NEVER HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE STUPID STUPID STUPID EXAMS AGAIN!!!! AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH! This is to say that I passed. I should save the celebrating till I get my grade. In any case, lets hope that my life now starts to get somewhat interesting. But until then, I will eat my salad, get comfortable, and fall asleep while watching season 2 of the simpsons (ON DVD!!!).

I read this on www.dailyzen.com. It reflects my present situation and gives me strength to go forward and not look back.

Those who awaken never rest in one place.
Like swans, they rise and leave the lake.
On the air they rise and fly an invisible course.
Their food is knowledge.
They live on emptiness.
They have seen how to break free.
Who can follow them?

- Buddha in the Dhammapada

A decision
Its been a tough couple of days. I have been tossing and turning in my head and trying to make sense of this newly formed madness! It’s all happening so fast. It’s been hard to focus but I have listened to my heart and I have finally made a decision. It's a huge decision. And I am proud of myself because it’s a decision I made by myself.

In a month and a half things are going to be completely different.

My Mom and Step-Dad (Jerry) will be here at any time today, its going to be difficult to talk to them I can tell. I hope that things go some what smooth. I know they are not going to like my decision, but for the first time in my life...I don’t care what they think. It’s my life, and I am going to do what I feel is best for me. And besides, I have my father, for the first time in my life, actually behind me and pushing me to do this. He is helping me so much I can’t help but think how stupid I was to not mend things with him sooner. Why hold grudges through life, it just wears you down and creates more problems. Ehhh, I don’t know, maybe my mom will surprise me and help me through this, but if not, I will be ready to do it on my own. Its a big step in gaining my own independence, but its going to happen sooner or later, so why not now when I am ready for it. I don’t know what else to say. I should be talking about this but I want to make sure I tell the people that are here about my decision before I tell all of you out there in cyberspace. Things will be much easier on here when I can come right out and say it. I will stop writing until I can speak freely of this decision.

I was sitting in my room, as usual, stearing at this stupid computer screen thinking about the situation I am falling into and I couldnt help but be overwelmed. The idea that once was in my head is now becoming a reality. Im am trapped in that feeling somewhere inbetween my dreams and waking.

Talked to my mom today. She seemed extreamly shocked and kept saying "WHAT!? WHAT?!" Then went the questions. The over all conversation got me re-thinking my choices. Im a little nervous on what my mom will come up with now that she is "thinking", but I'll find out soon enough. They will be here in Utah next Tuesday. Just telling them my plans have put the idea out in the open and I feel like there is no turning back, and that kind of scared me a little. But then I looked at my reasoning and felt in my heart and heard this song and all doubt was erased for good. If i just follow my heart and feel for the truth, nothing will get in my way. And if something does get in my way I will be able to handle it with confidence and an openmind because I am doing what I feel is right.

Here are the lyrics to the song I heard.

The Taste of Ink
By: The Used*

Is it worth it can you even hear me
Standing with your spotlight on me
Not enough to feed the hungry
I'm tired and I felt it for awhile now
in this sea of lonely
The taste of ink is getting old
It's four o'clock in the fucking morning
Each day gets more and more like the last day
still i can see it comming
While I'm standing in the river drowning
This could be my chance to break out
this could be my chance to say goodbye
at last it's finally over
couldn't take this town much longer
Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be
Now i'm ready to be free
So here I am it's in my hands
and i'll savor every moment of this
so here I am alive at last
and i'll savor every moment of this

and won't you think i'm pretty
when im standing top the bright lit city
and i'll take your hand and pick you up
and keep you there so you can see
as long as you're alive and care
I promise I will take you there
and we'll drink and dance the night away

As long as you're alive
Here I am
I promise I will take you there....

For now I am going to keep this dream a mystery to those on the outside. I will share soon...

To Keep our strawberries alive we plant them outside so they can breath the fresh air, and soke in all that oxygen.

To keep our strawberries fresh (dead) we deprive them of all oxygen for if we dont and we keep them out in the open, mold will grow. And mold is alive.

I overslept, got up at 1pm and had my interview at Salt Lake Roasting Company at 1:30. I brushed my teath while ironing my clothes, burned myself, threw gel in my hair as i was leaving the house, got to SLRC at 1:20 with 10 minutes to spare, then i had to wait 20 before I got interviewed. The interview went okay, although they were looking for someone who could work tuesdays and thursdays. The owner asked me if i wanted anything to drink and I politely declined then one of the baristas asked, and I again politely declined. I didnt need to be all jittery at my interview and pluss I wasnt thirsty, maybe for some water, but not coffee. So when the owner asked a second time I said, "Water would be good" Then the barista said, "Are you Suuuurrre you dont want any coffee from the place you might be working at?" I got an iced tea while I waited for my second interview. I didnt even want the damn thing. The owner came back out and said that they'll "get back to me" because the manager was tied up on the phone. I think when i ordered that iced tea it set off an the "Dont Hire" alarm. Im lucky i didnt get the Coffee Gorrilas unleached on me. So when i Heard the words "get back to me" I drank the tea as fast as i could, and left promptly after, dispite the owner's advice for me to sit, relax and to enjoy the atmosphere.

Today was interesting to say the least. I found my mom's old 35-mm camera and decided to go take some black and whites to test out my new found hobby. I parked my car and walked about 5 blocks down town. I was walking around this big business building of some sort taking pictures of the elaborate ashtrays when I wandered up on to the top of the parking garage. I noticed a guy in a business suite relaxing in the pavilion and nodded. When I made it to the top I was looking at the different angles of these medal beams I found when the guy in the business suite came up the stairs and cornered me.

Business Suite: "HEY! What are you doing up here, don’t you know this is government property!?"

Me: "Uhhh, government what? I was just taking pictures."

Business Suite: "Why are you doing that"

Me: "It’s my new found hobby"

Business Suite: "Well, you can’t do that! You’re going to have to come with me to talk with security"

Me: "Why can’t I take pictures of your parking garage?"

Business Suite: "Because it’s the governments"

Me: "do you work in this building?"

Business Suite: "Yes"

Me: “Does that mean you’re a part of the government too?”

Business Suite: *apprehensively* “Yes”

Me: "Can I take a picture of you?"

Business Suite: * looking deadly serious* "...No"

Me: "So I have to go to security huh? Some security you have, you guys should put up some NO PHOTOGRAPHERS ALOWED signs, that would get rid of us unwanted artists pestering your parking garage!"

Business Suite: "So why were you taking pictures of our building in the first place?"

Me: "I’m interested in photography as a possible hobby"

Business Suite: *looks of disbelief* "uh huh"

Me: "WHY CANT I take pictures of your place?! What kind of government building is this? I thought this was a coffee shop for gods sake"

We entered the security desk, which was a podium at the side of some lobby. The Business suite made a frantic phone call to somebody and gave them the 411 on the "suspicious suspect". While we were waiting for the "go-a-head" on me, a fat security guard showed up. He apologized to Business Suite for not being on his post. Then they both looked at me as I starred back in disbelief and bafflement. The Business Suite then spoke again;

Business Suite: "What made you think you could wander around and take pictures our building in the first place"

Me: "Actually, to tell you the truth the only picture I have taken in the past hour was of a dirty ash tray out front"

Business Suite: *confused and a little not wanting to believe me, but seeing no point in why he shouldn’t* "Hmm, that’s a pretty crappy camera you have there"

Me: "Yeah, I’m just starting out it’s the only thing I have at the moment"

Business Suite: "You know were probably going to have to confiscate your film and destroy it"

Me: "You know what, how about I develop this film and bring you guys the doubles!" *The security guard laughs* "Shit, I'll even frame the ones you guys think I took of your building, and you can hang them in this nice lobby for everyone to see, you never know I might be famous some day"

At that the phone rings, the business suite talks to someone and hangs up the phone. He then turns to me and says frankly: "Get out of here" I tried my best to pull an apology out of my ass and said it will never happen again. I laughed all the way back to my car though. It was a moment greatly needed.

The only crime I was doing was looking suspicious. If I had been a 35-year-old woman taking pictures of the city he probably would have taken the opportunity to pinch my butt or something. But I am not a 55-year-old woman; I am a 21-year-old male who just happed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was a victim of my youth. But hey, I’m not complaining. He didn’t have to be so uptight about the whole thing, although I can understand that if it is a government building there security HAS to be tight and I was probably an example of the fat security guard’s lack of security. Business Suite probably said to that security guard after I left something like, “What if he was a terrorist spy who was studying our building for flaws in our foundation” I wonder what kind of trouble he got into? I guess I’ll never know.

It is kind of scary to think that me walking around that building a year ago probably wouldn’t of sparked any sort of problem, but after the trade centers came down our lives in America changed weather we like to admit it our not. I didn’t think much of it until today. I mean, this was just a small minor incident, but it’s those small freedoms in America that make it what it is. I am lucky I can wander around at my own will taking pictures of (almost) anything I want. Who’s to say what they would have done to me in a different country? I could have been instantly shot for trespassing. So, it could have been worse. But it wasn’t. And I survived. But really, who would have guessed my mom’s camera would have got me into mischief with the government. I think I’m really going to enjoy this photography thing on all kinds of levels.

Do you ever sit back and reflect on your life? Do you ever wonder how the events and choices you made got you to your present state of comfortably wishing for something exciting and meaningful to happen? And you just cant take it anymore so you break down the wall you have created around yourself, only to be knocked back by the overwhelming amount of possibilities that lay before you? This weekend was just another sledgehammer to my wall of limitations.

After I cleared my head of its bzzzittttt's and fuzziness I drove myself to the coffee shop and relaxed a bit before I dove to the club to watch Spencer and Aaron spin. I mainly talked with my friend Christian most of the night over a few pitchers of beer. Our conversation ended abruptly when our friends had to stop spinning because of Utah's wonderful "no dancing after 2am" law. Needless to say, I was hungry for more of what the night had to offer me, (and plus I had only been up about 5 hours at this point).

I called Nate to see how his night was going, it turned out he was at a suite in the Hotel Monaco that his friend Zooby Wa had rented for the evening.

We talked for awhile over some glasses of wine. Then while I was admiring the view the conversation took a strange turn and went to talking about a fish that had recently been in the Hotel Room, living peacefully in his ready-made fish bowl. It turns out someone thought he needed to experience a new environment and dumped his bowl in the bathroom sink. The fish saw this as his moment of freedom and ended up swimming down the drain.

So, they were discussing how morally wrong it was to put the fish in someone's mouth (which some also did earlier in the evening) in opposed to putting it in the sink. So to prove someone’s point, which I’m still not too certain of, they asked me to call room service and have them bring them up another fish. Keep in mind, it’s about 4:30am. So I calmly went to the phone, dialed 0 and said

Me: “Hi, yes, I was wondering about the fish that are in our room, are they free?”

Front Desk: “Why yes sir, they are”

Me: “Well, could be get another one sent to room 1103 please, our last one decided he had enough of being a prisoner and is probably swimming somewhere in the hotel drainage system”

Front Desk: “Oh, I’m quite sorry about that, I will have one brought to your room promptly”

Me: “Thank you so much”

Wow, how fucking silly was that phone call! I mean, come on it was obvious we were silly kids looking for a silly fish at a silly hour, he didn’t need to keep playing that stupid ass ritzy hotel act. But we got our fish and they dumped him in the sink once again, so who knows, he might of gotten the chance to be with his friend outside the walls of the walls the Hotel Monaco put him in.

After we took care of the fish problem this girl from Russia decided she wanted a cigarette. No one else in the room smoked, so she went outside to the street corner to get one from some random person. She ended up flagging down a bus going to Vegas and got one from the driver. Now all she needed was a light. Nate found this a perfect opportunity to compete with this girl and said he would get her matches from the room before she could find them on the street. Not even a minute after he left we saw 2 guys walking across the street. When we got closer I noticed the guy who was reaching in his pocket to get the Russian girl a light was holding his side and was bleeding. Then I noticed his other shirt that was over his shoulder and covered in blood. And right when I was thinking that there was a deeper problem out there that made this girls nicotine addiction seem like dog shit on your shoe. But before I could ask if he was all right, he said;

Bleeding Dude: “Yo! You guys seen 6 thugs run by here?!”

We both nervously shake our heads

Bleeding Dude: “Well aight then, you guys know where the hospital is?!”

I gave him directions! That’s it. I feel bad. The decision was mine weather or not to help this guy and out of fear I turned my head. It would have been no sweat off my back to take them 10 blocks. What if that was me bleeding and I had no car, the buses were not running and I had just got jumped by 6 guys!? Who’s to say because of me not helping him he found those 6 guys they got into a fight again and all of them ended up dead on the street. I could have easily helped him by calling a cab if I was worried about my safety. This was my time to give back to humanity and I ran away with my tail between my legs. I didn’t even realize what I was doing, or better yet, what I was NOT doing. Maybe through this experience I can go that extra step next time, and who’s to say what will happen.

I feel kind of like that stupid fish in a way by wanting to take advantage of this new environment that I was placed in, but just ending up getting stuck deeper in something new. But I would of never experienced what I did and learned what I learned if I didn’t take advantage of the opportunities and choices that are in front of me. Being conscience of my choices is better then sleepwalking through life, yes, but if I can make those choices from my heart I will be able to better myself and the people around me.

Wow, i slept for a long time today, all day actually. I wonder if this is gonna screw anything up for this comming week? Oh well. I still have to call the Coffee Break to see about becoming a barista. My head feels all cloudy and fuzzy from oversleeping. I cant write anything...must make phone calls. Must get coffee. BZZZZZZZITTTTT.

Comfortably afraid of the touch of dawn,
I cover myself in sand.
The warmth from a day’s fight to survive turns the sand into dirt.
Hurt.
Pain.
Through my suffocation brings clouds of desperation.
One last gasp strikes like lightning.
Selfless
Pain.
My failure has turned into the rain.
I am far from the surface of a feeling, but close enough to hear a whisper…
“Defeat”
The rain and the dirt meet.
My skin becomes mud.
Inspired by not knowing my own demise, I fight for a grip.
Anguish.
Control.
The touch of dawn greets me as a friend not forgotten.
With hurt and frustration dripping from my skin, I walk into the breath of the day.
Only to be stopped by a whisper from the pain I had just left behind.
I turn towards the whisper.
Only to find footprints in the puddle of my despair.

This is my second weblog on antville. The last one was destroyed because of me trying to learn html. In the end i completely changed the damn thing so much that I couldnt change it anymore, all i could do is stand back and watch it burn to the ground. So now I have a fresh start, and knowledge of my mistakes from the past. I can start new and see what kind of fire i can start this time. Hopefully now the flames will be from the sparks from my heart and mind, and not from my carelessness. But there is no way of finding out unless I light the first match.